In And Out Of Control
by Ash-ash-ash
Summary: AU. Sequel to Break My Fall. This tells the story of what further happened to Dean and Castiel. Warnings for mentioning of suicide attempt. Complete.


**A few people wanted a follow up to Break My Fall so after a lot of thinking I decided that this is what happened next. Again a warning for mentioning of suicide.**

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><p>Dean had become a regular guest at Castiel's house after their first night together. He always spent the night between Saturday and Sunday there and they always had sex. Castiel gave himself completely to Dean letting him take the lead. Dean thought maybe he was relieved that someone was making the decisions for him, considering his troubled life and him trying to keep things together. And Dean didn't mind. He liked being in control. A couple of months into their relationship, or whatever it was, he had asked Castiel if he wanted to try bondage. He had thought it would be Castiel's thing since Dean would be in complete control but to his surprise Castiel had said no.<p>

Castiel had a diary he kept scribbling things in. Many mornings, Dean would wake up and Castiel would be sitting up in bed, the diary resting on his knees, his left arm supporting the cover and he would be writing and writing.

"Are you writing about me?" Dean asked one rainy morning when the wind was howling and they had had a particularly energetic night.

"Maybe," Castiel said with a little smile on his lips.

"What are you writing about me?" Dean was curious to know what he had to say that kept him writing day after day.

"I said _maybe_ I'm writing about you."

"So you're _not _writing about me, then."

"Dean, it's a diary. It's personal."

"Hmmm... Maybe I'll start my own diary." He rolled onto his back and put his hands under his head. "Fucked Cas senseless. Twice," he quoted.

Castiel kept smiling. "C'mon Cas!" Dean turned on his side and grabbed Castiel's leg.

"Just a little hint?"

"It's just my thoughts. My psychiatrist suggested I started writing down my thoughts. To work through some things."

"Oh," Dean could just imagine the disturbing things that were inside the book.

Castiel closed the diary and slid it into the drawer of his bedside table.

"Shower?" he asked and stroked a hand across Dean's chest.

"Mmmm...," Dean said and threw the covers off with a big swoop.

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><p>They watched a classic western movie in the afternoon while Castiel gave Dean a slow blow job. He had pulled Dean's jeans and boxers off him and he was splayed out on the sofa, one leg over the back, the other on the floor. A few times, Castiel's fingers brushed against his hole making him shiver and wish Castiel would push a finger in, just a little.<p>

After sucking him slowly for a long time, Castiel swallowed Dean down as far as he could, one hand resting at the base of his cock. He held his mouth in place for a moment before pulling back, breathing heavily through his nose. Then he bobbed his head up and down a few times and repeated, holding his head still a little longer this time. The third time he did it, Dean gave a gasp and spilled deep down his throat, his hips jerking up a little. It was unexpected because there was hardly any friction, but he had been stimulated for so long that he had finally reached release.

They snoozed for a while and after dinner Dean went home.

That was pretty much how it went with them. It had taken a long time for Castiel to let Dean get closer. He wanted company but he was afraid of being judged and Dean had been careful not to ask the wrong questions even though he was dying to know everything about Castiel. One thing Castiel had shared was about the time he had been on Prozac. His "vitamins" as he had called them. It had been after his first suicide attempt and Dean had been shocked to hear there had been a "first". Castiel had taken an overdose of pain killers and had washed them down with wine. It hadn't worked, though, and he had been sent to a psychiatrist for regular sessions. A couple of months later he had slit his wrist but had been found in time. After that, he had been put on Prozac.

The first time Dean had seen the scar on his wrist he had been shocked. It was a bright red long line going up his wrist with marks from where it had been sewn up. After that he made an effort not to look at it because he felt sorry for Castiel. And Castiel didn't need that, it would make him feel like a freak. Anyway, he couldn't stand looking at it himself, so he usually had it covered up with a sweatband or long sleeves.

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><p>Castiel had been busy writing a new book and he was excited every time he told Dean about it. He felt like Dean gave him new inspiration.<p>

"Is it a porn story?" Dean couldn't help asking.

"No, silly," Castiel said and slapped his arm gently.

Dean thought it was great he was so inspired and he waited eagerly to hear what Castiel's publisher would say.

It wasn't good. Some parts didn't make sense and there were things he talked about that he never came back to.

Dean could tell Castiel had been crying. He didn't know what to do. They were sitting at the kitchen table, the manuscript in front of Castiel. Dean wanted to comfort him but was afraid to make the wrong move. He suddenly realised he had Castiel placed in the box that said "nut job". He was afraid Castiel was so fragile that if he touched him he would freak out and have some sort of fit or temper tantrum. It was a Tuesday evening and they never saw each other on Tuesdays, but Castiel had rung Dean to come over.

He grabbed Castiel's hand, trying not to make it seem patronising and said: "I liked it. Maybe you should read it through again and see what it's like, you know, with fresh eyes."

Castiel's hand was limp. "Yeah, maybe," he said sounding tired. "You want something to eat?"

"Sure."

They made a quick meal together and sat down to eat. Then Dean realised.

"Hey, um, there's one good thing about this," he said, looking at Castiel with what he judged would be sexy eyes. Apparently they weren't, because Castiel said: "What?" He filled his mouth with pasta and looked at Dean blankly.

"Well, I get to spend the night." He smiled enticingly at Castiel but after seeing his expression he said: "I do get to spend the night, don't I?"

"I guess," Castiel said. Dean was really disappointed. Here he was, thinking that he made a difference to Castiel, that he gave him something important and then he just got an "I guess" when he hinted at them having sex. Great sex, that was.

Dean did spend the night, but he couldn't get Castiel in the mood and he gave up with a frustrated sigh. Castiel curled up with his back to Dean and didn't say anything. The next morning, Dean left without him waking up and he was beginning to think that maybe they had reached the end of their relationship, or whatever, thing.

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><p>Dean was back Saturday before lunch and Castiel seemed in a lot better mood. He had read through the book and agreed with his publisher. He pulled Dean in for a long kiss and Dean felt relieved. As compensation for Tuesday, Castiel suggested they went to the bedroom straight away and Dean didn't really have a chance to answer but was dragged off immediately. Castiel pulled his own clothes off in a matter of seconds and when Dean was taking too long for his liking, he pulled his clothes off too.<p>

Then Dean was pushed on the bed and Castiel was giving him a blow job. He wasn't even hard yet but Castiel was very thorough and soon he felt the blood rush to his groin.

"That's better," Castiel whispered. Then he started kissing along Dean's chest and up to his neck where he spent a long time exploring. Dean was surprised because Castiel had never taken the lead like this. Maybe he realised how disappointed Dean had been and wanted to make it up to him.

"Turn around," he heard Castiel say and he did so, feeling Castiel's tongue on him immediately, licking between his shoulder blades. Then he went further down and was soon on Dean's buttocks. Dean finally managed to gain some control and he pinned Castiel under him, trying to get him still long enough that he could suck him off.

Then Dean reached for the lube and Castiel said: "Let me."

Dean gave him the bottle thinking it would be erotic to have him lube him up but to his surprise Castiel smeared the lube over his own cock.

"Um, Cas..." he said, but Castiel was already pushing Dean down on his back. He kissed him sloppily and Dean decided to go along with it. He had just been thinking how good it would be to be on the receiving end and now he finally had the chance. Castiel used his lubed hand to prepared Dean, pushing two fingers slowly inside him.

Dean gasped and tried to relax. Then Castiel began rubbing him and tried to catch his lips at the same time. Dean was beginning to think that maybe there was another reason why Castiel didn't take the lead in bed. He was a bit uncoordinated and Dean tried his best to follow him in an attempt to make it a bit easier.

Castiel sucked on Dean's bottom lip and was concentrating on that so much that his fingers stopped.

"Cas," Dean said while pushing against his fingers a little.

"Sorry," Castiel said and started moving again. He began concentrating on that but soon either tired of it or thought Dean was ready because he pulled his fingers out and lined himself up with Dean, pushing in in one long motion until his hips were pressing against Dean.

Dean sucked in a deep breath and gritted his teeth.

"Sorry, does it hurt?" Castiel asked.

Dean let the air out again. "Just a little," he said because he didn't want Castiel to change his mind.

Then Castiel, propped up on his arms, started thrusting and even that was strange, but also strangely good. He started off slowly and then gave a few quick thrusts, going back to slow again. Then a few quick hard thrusts and Dean was surprised every time, moaning, half with pleasure, half in slight pain.

Then Castiel pulled out and asked Dean to get on his hands and knees and Castiel had obviously found his favourite position because he was thrusting quickly and with self confidence until Dean was a moaning wreck, making a long white stripe on the sheet when he climaxed. Castiel was done almost at the same time and gave a long cry of pleasure that almost made Dean come a second time.

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><p>A week later, Dean had to tell Castiel he was going away for work. He was leaving Monday and returning Wednesday the week after. He was a bit worried since Castiel would be left alone during the weekend but Castiel seemed fine with it. He was working hard on his book and was going to send the new draft in on Monday.<p>

So with a good conscience Dean went off for a conference and a following visit with a couple of other branches of the company he worked for. He was tired when he got home Wednesday evening and was looking forward to seeing Castiel again.

Friday night, Castiel called him. At least, Dean thought it was Castiel because that's what the display on his phone said.

"Cas?" he said.

"No, I'm Gary. I'm the barman at the Cup and Whistle Bar. But I have a Castiel here and if you could come and get him that would be great."

"What?" Dean said.

"The Cup and Whistle Bar. Your friend Castiel is here and he needs a ride home. He's very drunk and yours was the first name on the list."

Dean said he would be right there but he couldn't get his head around the information he had just been given.

He quickly drove to the bar and went inside. He immediately spotted Castiel sitting at the bar, trying to convince Gary that he really needed another drink.

Dean went over to them and took Castiel's face in his hand forcing him to look at Dean.

"Dean!" he slurred. "You came back to me!"

Dean smiled awkwardly when Castiel threw his arms around his neck.

"He keeps going on about not having had his vitamins," Gary said.

Dean felt himself go cold. Cas was on Prozac again? Why hadn't he told Dean? Then he remembered his erratic behaviour the weekend he had made Dean bottom during sex. It must have been the pills that made him behave like that. He must have started taking them that week.

He pulled Castiel up and thanked Gary, leaving him a good tip, then started dragging Castiel to the door.

When they got back to Castiel's house, Dean put him to bed and stayed up for a while to make sure he was okay. The next day he called Castiel's doctor and talked to him. He told him Castiel had said he hadn't taken his pills and Dean wasn't sure what to do now. The doctor told him to get Castiel to take a pill when he woke up and get him back to sleep. He would be out later in the day to check up on him.

Dean did what he was told but he was still worried. The doctor came and told Dean he should make sure Castiel took his pills every day but otherwise he was fine.

Dean called his boss at home and told him a friend needed him to take care of him. He had some hours from working overtime and asked if he could take some time off and his boss agreed to also give him leave. Dean could stay with Castiel for a month, then he would have to make new plans.

It took a few days for Castiel to resemble the person he used to be.

He told Dean that his publisher hadn't liked the new draft either and Castiel had been so angry he hadn't taken his pills. That had made him feel useless and incompetent and he had started drinking. He missed Dean and couldn't remember when he would be back but since Dean was working he hadn't wanted to call him. And he felt embarrassed of himself and didn't want Dean to see him like that anyway.

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><p>Dean kept a close eye on Castiel the following weeks. He encouraged him to work in the garden whenenver the sun was out and he tried to get him to work on his book again. He really did like it and he thought it was a shame if Castiel just gave up on it.<p>

Castiel didn't want to get on the subject on the book and he finally admitted that he had burnt it.

"But you have a copy on your computer, right?" Dean asked.

"Um, I deleted it," Castiel said, avoiding eye contact.

"You what? Cas..."

"I know, I know. But I thought it wasn't any good so I didn't see the point in keeping it."

Dean grumbled inside, then he asked Castiel to turn his computer on. Maybe Dean could find portions of it somewhere on the harddrive.

It turned out to be easier than he'd thought. Castiel was terrible at deleting things and Dean found the book in the trash right on the desktop.

They spent some days working on it together and Dean told Castiel what he liked and what didn't seem to work and they found a solution together. By the third week of Dean's stay he felt sure Castiel would be fine once Dean had to go back to work.

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><p>When the four weeks were nearly over, they were in bed before going to sleep and they were fooling around, giving each other blow jobs.<p>

Dean was kissing Castiel's neck and licking behind his ear. "Tell me what you want me to do," he whispered.

"Make love to me," Castiel answered.

Dean was taken aback. That was an answer he hadn't expected. But it made sense to him and he wanted to make Castiel feel as good as possible. He put a hand behind Castiel's neck and kissed him deeply, their tongues playing while Dean tried to be possessive the way he knew Castiel liked. And it wasn't long before Castiel was sighing and pressing up against Dean, trying to get as close to him as possible.

Dean took his time preparing Castiel by using a couple of fingers on him and kissing him slowly. He could hear Castiel was in a different place. His breath was hitching, he was hoarse when he moaned and his eyes were closed and his mouth half open. After a while, Dean lubed himself up and lined his body up against Castiel's. Castiel had his arms around Dean's neck and was waiting, his legs spreading invitingly.

Dean pushed in slowly and lowered his body so he was resting against Castiel. Then he began rocking his hips and reached down to kiss Castiel's neck. After a while, he lifted up so he was resting on his arms and pulled his legs under him so he was on his shins. He used this new position to thrust slowly and the new friction made Castiel moan softly. Dean kissed him, and went a little faster, swallowing Castiel's moans that were getting louder.

"Mmean.." he heard him say. Dean thought it sounded like his name and let go of Castiel's lips.

"Mm, god, Dean," Castel whispered a moment later. Dean continued to trust at the same speed and Castiel was breathing deeply, his moans making Dean even harder.

He continued for so long that Castiel started to whimper as he was getting sore at the extended penetration. Dean kissed him and licked his neck, feeling himself getting so close. He couldn't hold it for much longer so he started stroking Castiel's cock, making him whimper at the touch. A few moments later, he felt his stomach go wet and Castiel threw his head back and gritted his teeth while he groaned deep down his throat. It was almost a primeval sound that made Dean's spine tingle. Now that Castiel was done, Dean let himself go and a few second later he was spilling inside Castiel.

They lay for a while catching their breath and Dean had gone soft when he finally pulled out of Castiel.

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><p>When Dean got home from work on the first day Castiel had spent alone in a month he immediately called to hear how he was doing. It turned out he hadn't needed to worry. He had spent most of the day getting the garden ready for Winter and he was really tired so he would probably fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.<p>

Dean was relieved. Then Castiel asked if he could come over and stay the night on Wednesday and he got worried again.

"I'm not cracking up again," Castiel said. "I just thought we could spend some more time together. Dean thought that sounded like a great idea.

"Well, how can I say no to that," he said, half jokingly. When he hung up the phone he felt how much he was already looking forward to it.

And so their new arrangement was two nights spent together a week.

Three months later, Castiel gave Dean a present. It was wrapped in striped pink and green paper and had a blue silk ribbon tied around it.

"What's this? It's not my Birthday," Dean said surprised.

"So? I can still give you a present, can't I?" Castiel sat down on the sofa next to Dean and looked at him with excited eyes.

Dean held the present in his hands. It felt like a book and he suddenly knew what it was. He quickly got rid of the ribbon and the paper and was left holding Castiel's new book. "Saviour of Souls" it was called. It was about a man called Saviour who lived, of course, in a village called Souls. Then Dean's eye caught something written on the front. By Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester, it said. Dean was lost for words.

"Cas...," he said. "You didn't have to do that."

"Yes, I did. You've helped me so much with this book. It would never have been completed if it weren't for you."

Castiel grabbed his hand and despite them being together for so long, Dean felt how unusual it was. He thought for a moment. Their relationship was purely based on lust and they never really showed affection like that. There was always an underlying need for sex behind any touch. Dean looked up at Castiel and he could tell by the look in his eyes that he was aware of that too. Maybe it was time to change that. He squeezed Castiel's hand and said: "Thank you."


End file.
